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Awakening of Ann

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Her Smile

I can see the sadness in your smile
He said
I can see it in your eyes
I knew from the first time I saw you again that something was missing
Something is Missing
Is it my love
Am I missing my love?
I bathe myself in sweet solitude
I prefer to be alone
Unbothered
Yet my heart yearns for more
More than just a connection
More than just another lover’s sweet lips
More than just another lustful encounter on a sweet summer night
The seasons are changing my dear
I’m waiting
To wake up in a different life
To wake up in a different person
To wake up in a different perspective
Shake me my dear
Shake me for I am sleeping in life
It’s all a dream
Bring me back to reality
For I have lost my sight
I have lost my vision for so much more
Yet You have so much more to go
He said
And she turned away
Let me dive into your world
Because I’d like to forget mine…

She looks in the mirror
Where is this sadness this man speaks of?

Darling….remember
This life is what you make of it

It is not what the world can give you
But what you can give to the world

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Pussy

You’ve come from my womb
I have birthed you
I have nurtured you
I have loved you
From birth you will spend the rest of your life
Trying to reach my womb once again
You seek my comfort
Let your head rest on my humble bosom
You seek my nurturing
Let your pains wash away with the pleasure of my body
I have let you into my sanctuary
When you brought home food
I gave you a meal in return
When you bought a house
I gave you a loving home to return to
When you planted seeds
I gave you more life
I let you carry out your legacy for generations
He has plowed my soil
With all the love I have given & everything I have multiplied for you
You yet refuse to admit you fear me
You have built the world in your favor
You have shackled my spirituality…my nature
You have worked your whole life to own me and my beautiful sisters
You have marked me as your land, your territory
You have worked to conquer me..to control us
You can’t seem to embrace the power of my sexuality
Throughout the ages
You have sacrificed me
You have stoned me to death
You have burned me as a witch
You have divorced me
You have separated me from my children
Why do you shame thus which you desire so much?
You see me only as you want me to be
Yet I am so much more
I hear your muttered insults
Those directed towards my insatiable exotic sisters
Those directed to myself
Yet you dream of us
Yet you desire us
Yet you LUST for us
For you desire not just I…but all the beauties I have birthed
So let us be free…the way we have let you be free without stigma
You hate me and my daughters for we have refused to be your slaves
Why the electrified high-security razor-wire fence to contain a kitty-cat?
My dear, the strength of the drive determines the force required to suppress it.
My pussy makes the world go round
You simply can’t forget me

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Restless Nights

How can I sleep?
When I know how much the world suffers
When I know that there are so many other broken souls who drown their voices & dreams with the rivers of their tears
How can I sleep?
When I sprawl my fingers out onto my bed beside me and I feel the emptiness
How can I sleep?
When I think about who you could be making love to now…
Who are you lying to now?
It’s as if I can feel the pain of the world along with it’s beauty
How can I sleep?
When I’ve gotten almost everything I ever wanted yet I am still unhappy
I still will never forget those tears & cries
I didn’t know where they were coming from at first
It just seemed like noise
Until I realized I was the one crying
That night it felt like my soul died

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This Time

I no longer pray for myself
I pray for you
I pray that you learn to forgive one day
I pray one day you can let go of all that hatred in your heart
What a heavy thing to carry it must be
I pray that one day you will find happiness
I pray that you will find that from within yourself
I pray for you my dear
My old beloved

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Defeat…

It’s one of those days…

My illness has taken over me

I didn’t feel this way this morning

The sunrise was full of optimism, hope, and life

Tonight I am a corpse

I feel like I am swimming against the current

I’m so tired of this everyday struggle

I wear a smile the minute I leave my house

I am so used to pretending

Pretending like everything is fine

When in reality there is a war inside my mind

When am I ever going to win?

I find sanctuary nowhere

Not even in my home

Not even in the arms of loved ones

So numb…

So cold…

Why so dark?

 

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Sweet Embrace

Looking at you just makes me melt

So much about you gives me butterflies

So near me to touch

I want to feel your sweet embrace

I want to feel you love me all over again

I love the warmth of your heart

Your kisses are unlike any other

The sweetest kisses I have ever tasted

The way you gently hold my face as our lips engage

So tender it is … as if you were an Angel

If I fall.. I only want it to be in your arms

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Memories…

So Bitter & Sweet

I can remember a beautiful sunny hot day as we sat at the table in your backyard

Sipping on Iced tea..laughing & talking about our boyfriends at that time

I felt like we were the only ones who understood how important love was to us

I thought we would grow old together

I imagined us sitting in our rocking chairs as little raisins…

Still laughing…sipping on iced teas on a summer day

You still appear in my dreams

I wonder how you are

I wonder how my life would be like if you were still in it

And I always admit to myself…how much I miss you

I miss confiding in you

I miss turning to you when the world seemed to go dark on me

I miss lying my head on your shoulder

You were the only one who knew my entire story

From beginning to end

You saw how I was suffering…

I thought you were my ride or die

Today I am still confused whether you still were or if it changed

I might never know but it doesn’t haunt me

I learned to let go & move forward

I just find it interesting

To think you are close enough to walk to & ring on your doorbell

I always imagine how it would go

If our eyes would meet in regret…if we would swallow our pride and embrace

I wonder if you ever reached out without me knowing

I simply miss having that one person..who just simply understood

 

 

 

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The Tables Turned

I used to look at depressed people
With confusion
Not understanding why
How could someone be so depressed?
How could someone cry so much?
How could someone wallow in their pain for so long?
It is truly pathetic
But now I find myself on the other side
Drowning in my own salty tears
I have become someone I ridiculed
There is so much to be grateful for
So much had gone so right
Everything feels like it’s crashing
Like a plane high in the sky
heading full speed downwards
I just have no idea how I got here
I never saw this coming
I didn’t think I would be crashing like this again
I said goodbye to the sad lonely girl long ago
Embracing all the good things in life
Appreciating the most simple things in life
Yet the darkness seeped back into my soul
Capturing me with it’s deathly grip
Now I am dreaming I am satan himself
Wandering aimlessly through life
Hoping & Praying to God
I’ll stumble onto where I belong
Stumble onto my Purpose
Something I used to think I had all figured out
I was a brave one
Brave & Stubborn & Determined
Nothing was getting in my way
It was either my way or the highway
I overcame every obstacle
Anything I wanted…
I always went in & got it
I was confident & focused
I knew what I wanted
I knew where I was going
And no one was able to tear me down
Somewhere along the way
I fell
I fell so hard…again & again
To the point where I just laid on the ground
Defeated …curled up in a fetal position
Incapable of looking in the mirror
I became a shell of myself
The person I used to be
Not everyone is the angel they seem to be
And not everyone is the devil
I guess it’s time to swallow my pride
Not that there is any left…

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My Life

Words sizzled through my heart

The way a cigarette burns through flesh

What is life like?

When you pushed away everyone who was good in your life

Subconsciously sabotaging relationships for a mysterious underlying issue

When you pushed away your family to a breaking a point

When your friends don’t know what is going on

Because you’re too afraid to trust anyone

Because you’re too afraid they will judge you

In the end, that is what they all do anyways

When you lied your entire life

So no one believes you when you are actually telling the truth

Maybe it is time to stand on my own two feet again

And you realize all the games people played you with

When you realize you were simply just part of a cruel game

I’m going back in time right now

Trying to pinpoint the exact moment when everything went wrong

I guess there isn’t a single point

Some things just slowly happen before you realize

I don’t even know what goes on in my head anymore

The most fucked up thing about this

Is I know I created this world for myself

I don’t want to lose everything…

 

 

 

 

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