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Awakening of Ann

Welcome to my soul & mind

Category

Poetry

Hate

I felt this way once before

But never to this extent

The soul feels empty & hollow

The heart is full of rage & resentment

Hatred

How awful it is to carry this in one’s heart

It’s a deadly poison that has robbed me of life

I don’t even recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror

Stranger

I can’t imagine having lived with this all my life…

 

 

 

Defeat…

It’s one of those days…

My illness has taken over me

I didn’t feel this way this morning

The sunrise was full of optimism, hope, and life

Tonight I am a corpse

I feel like I am swimming against the current

I’m so tired of this everyday struggle

I wear a smile the minute I leave my house

I am so used to pretending

Pretending like everything is fine

When in reality there is a war inside my mind

When am I ever going to win?

I find sanctuary nowhere

Not even in my home

Not even in the arms of loved ones

So numb…

So cold…

Why so dark?

 

Forsaken

I pray for my sanity
I pray for my mind
I pray for my soul
All i wish for is
Freedom
Love
Sanity
within these 4 walls
my anxiety drowns me
my head spins with thoughts of suicide
my depression drags me across the floor
I fear myself
the decisions i make
the people i let walk into my life
Destruction
Chaos
Heartbreak
Torture
Greed
Curse the sweet words on thy toungue
Suffering
In silence…
Insomniac
“You will never be happy…”
Is that a curse too?
I remember it like a tape playing on & on
How I hate you
Those eyes lie
People fool you
They misguide you
How were the intentions true?
I blamed you
Yet I am at fault for my downfall
Niavete
Its one in the morning
This soul is restless
Who do you trust?
The world pretends to care
But they dont
Satan says this rings true
What do I miss the most?
My Sanity
They say
“Its ok to feel darkness…”
Mine is darker than pitch black
She said
“Black cats bring bad luck…”
Theyve crossed my path
In a dream
I saw her beaten
I saw her thrown to the wolves
I never saw her so weak
It broke my heart
How can she be so cold & warm at the same time?
But arent we all
I don’t know a single pure soul
I wonder what its like to be normal
I wonder what its like to have integrity
To live with honesty
To walk with God
Its like Ive been running away my whole life
You have forsaken me

Nightmares…

Not everything that glimmers & glistens is gold

We all fall for some sort of trap at some point in our lives

That girl lies through her teeth

Captivating her “prey” with those alluring mesmerizing green eyes

She bats away her fluffy long lashes

She twirls her long blacker than midnight hair with her finger

Her silhouette showing ever so perfectly as she gazes out into the sleepless night

She turns and her hips start swaying towards him

She bites her lip and looks as if she’s hungry for something

She grabs him from behind & kisses his neck…

Leaving red lipstick marks on the collar of his white shirt

With a soft pull at the silky lace her gown slides off her body

Her skin glows & glistens in the dark by candlelight

Her warm color of caramel seeps into the bed

As the pale color of white follows

The moans, howls, and yelps fill the empty air

Sooner rather than later

Gasps for air are heard

The bedroom door swings wide open

A man appears with tears streaming down his face

A rose in one hand & a gun pointing at her in the other

He looks towards the frail poor excuse of a man & shoots him

Eve screams as the killer comes towards her

She glances at the man who is no longer breathing or moving

Wishing she had been shot first

Eve finally recognizes the killer as one of the many men she had seen

Before she could speak the tape went over her mouth

He decided to hit her until she went unconscious

then sliced her open through her chest

The shattered pieces of her heart fell out to his surprise

He couldn’t even imagine that she had a heart to begin with

And he collapsed with the shattered pieces & the blood smeared all over

He weeped and moaned like a child

He had murdered a lost broken soul

A soul so hurt & broken & pushed to limits beyond her understanding

A soul that began destroying herself and everyone who walked into her life

She subconsciously sought revenge for every man who had harmed her

Yet she pushed away every good soul that came her way

In fear of losing them & the feeling that she wasn’t worthy

His weeping eventually came to an end and thought he heard something in the closet

I don’t know how I had stayed so quiet this entire time until now

I had watched all this through a crack in the door

He slid the door open & saw me cornered up in a ball

The man took his bloody finger & touched my lips

Signaling to stay silent & then walked away dropping the gun

That night left me confused for the rest of my life

How can we be so cruel & cold

How is it that some of us die before we are dead

Why is that some of us have to suffer so much

Why is that some of us who are given everything end up with nothing

Yet those who are given nothing end up with everything

Eventually after much therapy I moved on with my life

Years later my husband came home with a lipstick stain on his shirt late one evening

I looked the other way & pretended I didn’t notice as he quickly tried to hide it

I sat on our living room couch and I went completely numb

I gave this man my heart, my body, my soul, my everything

I lived my life for the home we built & the family we created

I tried examining our marriage and tried to pinpoint what I had done wrong

When I knew I was the best wife, friend, and mother I could have been

I remembered the beautiful woman who was murdered in front me during my childhood

I wondered if he was with a similar type of woman

I knew I would never grow up to be as captivating as she was

So I consciously tried to make it up in as many other ways as I possibly could

I must have failed

I failed

Again I thought … How are we so cruel

The only reason I kept living was to experience real love & to be loved

I had played a different role in the same story

And that was the night I died before I died

Ceilings..

I can’t count how many times I’ve stared at ceilings

My eyes welling up with tears

As the beast enjoyed his grand midnight feast

A tear rolls down my cheek

The beast so engrossed he could not notice

How I would kill to be making love

This feels so mechanical & meaningless

I remember how I got here

I was running away from the thorns of love

Sweet Embrace

Looking at you just makes me melt

So much about you gives me butterflies

So near me to touch

I want to feel your sweet embrace

I want to feel you love me all over again

I love the warmth of your heart

Your kisses are unlike any other

The sweetest kisses I have ever tasted

The way you gently hold my face as our lips engage

So tender it is … as if you were an Angel

If I fall.. I only want it to be in your arms

A Gambler

pexels-photo-168417

I’ve rolled the dice more than once

I kept playing no matter how many times I lost

I gambled for love

Fate rolled me a broken heart

The taste is so bitter

So sweet

What a price we pay for love

It all starts out so beautiful

Yet ends so horribly at times

For once I am tired of gambling

Tired of rolling the dice

Tired of disappointment

Tired of talking

These gambling days are over

 

 

 

Memories…

So Bitter & Sweet

I can remember a beautiful sunny hot day as we sat at the table in your backyard

Sipping on Iced tea..laughing & talking about our boyfriends at that time

I felt like we were the only ones who understood how important love was to us

I thought we would grow old together

I imagined us sitting in our rocking chairs as little raisins…

Still laughing…sipping on iced teas on a summer day

You still appear in my dreams

I wonder how you are

I wonder how my life would be like if you were still in it

And I always admit to myself…how much I miss you

I miss confiding in you

I miss turning to you when the world seemed to go dark on me

I miss lying my head on your shoulder

You were the only one who knew my entire story

From beginning to end

You saw how I was suffering…

I thought you were my ride or die

Today I am still confused whether you still were or if it changed

I might never know but it doesn’t haunt me

I learned to let go & move forward

I just find it interesting

To think you are close enough to walk to & ring on your doorbell

I always imagine how it would go

If our eyes would meet in regret…if we would swallow our pride and embrace

I wonder if you ever reached out without me knowing

I simply miss having that one person..who just simply understood

 

 

 

The Tables Turned

I used to look at depressed people
With confusion
Not understanding why
How could someone be so depressed?
How could someone cry so much?
How could someone wallow in their pain for so long?
It is truly pathetic
But now I find myself on the other side
Drowning in my own salty tears
I have become someone I ridiculed
There is so much to be grateful for
So much had gone so right
Everything feels like it’s crashing
Like a plane high in the sky
heading full speed downwards
I just have no idea how I got here
I never saw this coming
I didn’t think I would be crashing like this again
I said goodbye to the sad lonely girl long ago
Embracing all the good things in life
Appreciating the most simple things in life
Yet the darkness seeped back into my soul
Capturing me with it’s deathly grip
Now I am dreaming I am satan himself
Wandering aimlessly through life
Hoping & Praying to God
I’ll stumble onto where I belong
Stumble onto my Purpose
Something I used to think I had all figured out
I was a brave one
Brave & Stubborn & Determined
Nothing was getting in my way
It was either my way or the highway
I overcame every obstacle
Anything I wanted…
I always went in & got it
I was confident & focused
I knew what I wanted
I knew where I was going
And no one was able to tear me down
Somewhere along the way
I fell
I fell so hard…again & again
To the point where I just laid on the ground
Defeated …curled up in a fetal position
Incapable of looking in the mirror
I became a shell of myself
The person I used to be
Not everyone is the angel they seem to be
And not everyone is the devil
I guess it’s time to swallow my pride
Not that there is any left…

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