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Awakening of Ann

Welcome to my soul & mind

I started writing…

To return to my original self

To be self aware of my emotions

To get things off my chest

To fall in love with words again

To immerse myself into a different world

To share my thoughts ..dark or light

To be part of a beautiful community

I started writing…

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12.11.17

He sat on the couch
A man I had never seen before
He said he couldn’t understand how a human being could have the capability to torture someone so terribly
I went back to the scene
I saw him being tortured by a screwdriver
Someone just constantly drilling holes in his body
I felt the pain
It was horrendous
We went back to the interview on the couch where he then proceeded to tell me that he could never forgive his torturer

Hate

I felt this way once before

But never to this extent

The soul feels empty & hollow

The heart is full of rage & resentment

Hatred

How awful it is to carry this in one’s heart

It’s a deadly poison that has robbed me of life

I don’t even recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror

Stranger

I can’t imagine having lived with this all my life…

 

 

 

Suicide

Numb

Still can’t believe it

The man I thought I loved

The man I used to adore

The man I used to look up to

The man I used to respect

Pleaded for my death

The very man I let inside me

The man I worshipped

The man I cared for

So I pulled out the knife from the kitchen drawer

Proceeded to cut myself but I was hesitant

Then I slowly slid it across my wrist

I felt adrenaline at first

Then I felt the pain

Then I thought of my family

i immediately put the knife down

I didn’t bleed at first so i payed no attention

I happened to look down at my wrist later & I was in shock

Im thinking I certainly must wear long sleeves to the family dinner

I can’t let them see what I did to myself over a man

How can you say that to someone you claim you love

The minute i heard those words

It was over for me

Within a few hours I was already in the arms of another man

He’s called over a hundred times since

I understand people say things when they are angry

But that of all things?

i understand I made a silly mistake

My heart is so numb

I can’t even take anymore

Defeat…

It’s one of those days…

My illness has taken over me

I didn’t feel this way this morning

The sunrise was full of optimism, hope, and life

Tonight I am a corpse

I feel like I am swimming against the current

I’m so tired of this everyday struggle

I wear a smile the minute I leave my house

I am so used to pretending

Pretending like everything is fine

When in reality there is a war inside my mind

When am I ever going to win?

I find sanctuary nowhere

Not even in my home

Not even in the arms of loved ones

So numb…

So cold…

Why so dark?

 

Forsaken

I pray for my sanity
I pray for my mind
I pray for my soul
All i wish for is
Freedom
Love
Sanity
within these 4 walls
my anxiety drowns me
my head spins with thoughts of suicide
my depression drags me across the floor
I fear myself
the decisions i make
the people i let walk into my life
Destruction
Chaos
Heartbreak
Torture
Greed
Curse the sweet words on thy toungue
Suffering
In silence…
Insomniac
“You will never be happy…”
Is that a curse too?
I remember it like a tape playing on & on
How I hate you
Those eyes lie
People fool you
They misguide you
How were the intentions true?
I blamed you
Yet I am at fault for my downfall
Niavete
Its one in the morning
This soul is restless
Who do you trust?
The world pretends to care
But they dont
Satan says this rings true
What do I miss the most?
My Sanity
They say
“Its ok to feel darkness…”
Mine is darker than pitch black
She said
“Black cats bring bad luck…”
Theyve crossed my path
In a dream
I saw her beaten
I saw her thrown to the wolves
I never saw her so weak
It broke my heart
How can she be so cold & warm at the same time?
But arent we all
I don’t know a single pure soul
I wonder what its like to be normal
I wonder what its like to have integrity
To live with honesty
To walk with God
Its like Ive been running away my whole life
You have forsaken me

Nightmares…

Not everything that glimmers & glistens is gold

We all fall for some sort of trap at some point in our lives

That girl lies through her teeth

Captivating her “prey” with those alluring mesmerizing green eyes

She bats away her fluffy long lashes

She twirls her long blacker than midnight hair with her finger

Her silhouette showing ever so perfectly as she gazes out into the sleepless night

She turns and her hips start swaying towards him

She bites her lip and looks as if she’s hungry for something

She grabs him from behind & kisses his neck…

Leaving red lipstick marks on the collar of his white shirt

With a soft pull at the silky lace her gown slides off her body

Her skin glows & glistens in the dark by candlelight

Her warm color of caramel seeps into the bed

As the pale color of white follows

The moans, howls, and yelps fill the empty air

Sooner rather than later

Gasps for air are heard

The bedroom door swings wide open

A man appears with tears streaming down his face

A rose in one hand & a gun pointing at her in the other

He looks towards the frail poor excuse of a man & shoots him

Eve screams as the killer comes towards her

She glances at the man who is no longer breathing or moving

Wishing she had been shot first

Eve finally recognizes the killer as one of the many men she had seen

Before she could speak the tape went over her mouth

He decided to hit her until she went unconscious

then sliced her open through her chest

The shattered pieces of her heart fell out to his surprise

He couldn’t even imagine that she had a heart to begin with

And he collapsed with the shattered pieces & the blood smeared all over

He weeped and moaned like a child

He had murdered a lost broken soul

A soul so hurt & broken & pushed to limits beyond her understanding

A soul that began destroying herself and everyone who walked into her life

She subconsciously sought revenge for every man who had harmed her

Yet she pushed away every good soul that came her way

In fear of losing them & the feeling that she wasn’t worthy

His weeping eventually came to an end and thought he heard something in the closet

I don’t know how I had stayed so quiet this entire time until now

I had watched all this through a crack in the door

He slid the door open & saw me cornered up in a ball

The man took his bloody finger & touched my lips

Signaling to stay silent & then walked away dropping the gun

That night left me confused for the rest of my life

How can we be so cruel & cold

How is it that some of us die before we are dead

Why is that some of us have to suffer so much

Why is that some of us who are given everything end up with nothing

Yet those who are given nothing end up with everything

Eventually after much therapy I moved on with my life

Years later my husband came home with a lipstick stain on his shirt late one evening

I looked the other way & pretended I didn’t notice as he quickly tried to hide it

I sat on our living room couch and I went completely numb

I gave this man my heart, my body, my soul, my everything

I lived my life for the home we built & the family we created

I tried examining our marriage and tried to pinpoint what I had done wrong

When I knew I was the best wife, friend, and mother I could have been

I remembered the beautiful woman who was murdered in front me during my childhood

I wondered if he was with a similar type of woman

I knew I would never grow up to be as captivating as she was

So I consciously tried to make it up in as many other ways as I possibly could

I must have failed

I failed

Again I thought … How are we so cruel

The only reason I kept living was to experience real love & to be loved

I had played a different role in the same story

And that was the night I died before I died

Love Me

I feel alive again

I wish I could lay my head on you

And call you home

I’m at peace

When I feel your tender touch

Words can’t even express

The love I have for you

Numb…

How did I get to that point…

To be so numb

Just going through the motions

Killing myself softly inside

Oh how I wish I could go back in time

Praying to God to be forgiven

I wish I believed in God back then

I wish fear was instilled

I was never cold

I used to care

I’m fighting a war against myself

Just take me back

Back to the person I once was

The young smart girl full of hope

Full of innocence

Full of life

Bring that girl back to me

Please

Ceilings..

I can’t count how many times I’ve stared at ceilings

My eyes welling up with tears

As the beast enjoyed his grand midnight feast

A tear rolls down my cheek

The beast so engrossed he could not notice

How I would kill to be making love

This feels so mechanical & meaningless

I remember how I got here

I was running away from the thorns of love

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