To return to my original self
To be self aware of my emotions
To get things off my chest
To fall in love with words again
To immerse myself into a different world
To share my thoughts ..dark or light
To be part of a beautiful community
I started writing…
I can smell it in the air
I can feel that soft chill whispering in my ear
It all feels like it keeps going way too fast
The seasons keep changing
I keep changing
People keep changing
I feel like someone pressed fastforward
When all I want to do is rewind
I keep dreaming about you
Did you really want the best for me?
I wish I knew your intentions
But everything just happened
….”and it kept happening”
Felt like a tornado just swept me up & spit me out
I can’t even remember everything that happened
There is a wretched feeling in my heart
A feeling I will not give way to
I refuse to end up like them
I refuse to end up broken and alone
Or broken and being tied down in which I see no escape to
I refuse to indulge in these feelings of the heart
They are not rational
They don’t make any logical sense
So tell me why are you here?
You serve me no purpose than to cause me such anguish late at night
To keep me up
To keep my mind wandering around
When time could be used wisely
Instead of counting teardrops on this silk pillow of mine
Give me the strength to push through
Give me serenity
I will not let a fool come into my life and sweep me with sweet words
With empty promises and a future which truly bares to be just smoke and mirrors
Let me live
Let me live freely and by my own judgements
Let my heart be free
Come but do not stay
For if you stay
It shall make me sad
So leave darling
Leave…
-an old poem
It kills me to know
To know that you’re with her
To know that she has you
That you put a ring on her finger
And not mine
To know that you two share a bed
That you two share a home
That she wakes up to you every morning
And gets to look at your handsome face
And feel your love
Your warm embrace
Yet your love always flickers
She’s the one that shares a life with you
A life that I’ll never have with you
Because you’ll never leave…
Because shes just that easy
And shell stay no matter what
And here I am in my own bed
Alone
Left with the memories of you here
Of the love we shared
Of the lies you told me
And yet I can’t stop thinking of you
And I hate myself
For missing you so
Im yearning for you
And I fight myself everyday
To not reach out to you
Because theres a part of me that wants to hold on
Hold on dearly
Hold on tightly
To the love I thought you had for me
To the man I thought you were
The grand man you painted yourself to be
You’ve shattered my illusions
You’ve shattered my dreams
The one I had with you
I saw my whole life in your eyes
And it hurts
To know that I was never safe with you
Even though I thought I was
That you set your eyes on me
To break my heart
To feed your ego
To play with my mind
To open up old wounds
The ones I thought I healed
So here…
Lets raise a glass to my solitude
To finding love within myself
To finding safety in myself
To finding peace on my own
To move on in life without you
When most people were escaping their pain through their work
When most people would pick up the bottle
When most people would do a line & a half
When most people would bury their pain in a womans body
I was stepping into the fire
I laid in my bed
For hours
For days
For weeks
But I too was numbing out…
I numbed myself out of joy
I numbed myself out of life
Joy did not come & go
Joy came & fled
And darkness slowly overtook
I hid
I tried to fit myself into places I didnt belong
I starved myself, cut myself, tried to refigure & rearrange myself
I hid from places where I wanted to be
I hid from people I wanted in my life
All because
There was a little part of me
That felt like I wasn’t good enough to be there
That everyone is better than me
That Ill be rejected
Like how the people who were supposed to love me the most
Rejected me
I fell in love
With the devil himself
Disguised as an Angel
Everything you desire
Is what he will give you
He’ll make your dreams come true
He tells you
I love you
And as soon as you’ve truly fallen
And you’ve been tricked by the facade
He takes it all away from you
With a smirk on his face
The love you thought you had
Was never real
As if he took all your dreams
And burned them to ashes
In front of your very eyes
No one else will know
Because the whole world is tricked by the facade
And when he leaves
Your soul will be left in ashes too
For the world will think you’re crazy
But its because you know the Truth
There I lay uncovered for all to see
Baring my soul
Baring my body
As all the eyes peered down from above
With love
Without judgement
In this beautiful sacred space
Something I felt like was surgery of some spiritual nature
My eyes fluttered as fast as my heart was beating
As a knot grew in my throat
And even then I still blossomed
With my sweet nectar
I’ll never forget how we recognized the Divine
Gazing into the depths of eachother’s souls
After all these years…
I still hate you
But in truth I hate myself for allowing you to do the things you did
There’s hate because your anger still lives inside me
Take your anger back
This is not my obligation to carry your pain
I wonder if I ever cross your mind
At this point I don’t care really
I could have hurt you so much more than I did
I had you in my hands and I could have ruined your life forever
But I am not you
I am not the monster that you are
Stop projecting your mirror image onto others
Be well dear for I have once made love to you
Didn’t scream
Didn’t fight
Didn’t yell
Didn’t destroy
Repressed
Suppressed
Stuffed down
Bottled Up
When Anger spoke
Anger Cried
And she said
“You kept me silent for so long”
“You never let me speak”
“You’ve neglected me for so long”
“You never let me be heard”
Awakening of Ann 