Awakening of Ann

Welcome to my soul & mind


It’s one of those days…

My illness has taken over me

I didn’t feel this way this morning

The sunrise was full of optimism, hope, and life

Tonight I am a corpse

I feel like I am swimming against the current

I’m so tired of this everyday struggle

I wear a smile the minute I leave my house

I am so used to pretending

Pretending like everything is fine

When in reality there is a war inside my mind

When am I ever going to win?

I find sanctuary nowhere

Not even in my home

Not even in the arms of loved ones

So numb…

So cold…

Why so dark?



I pray for my sanity
I pray for my mind
I pray for my soul
All i wish for is
within these 4 walls
my anxiety drowns me
my head spins with thoughts of suicide
my depression drags me across the floor
I fear myself
the decisions i make
the people i let walk into my life
Curse the sweet words on thy toungue
In silence…
“You will never be happy…”
Is that a curse too?
I remember it like a tape playing on & on
How I hate you
Those eyes lie
People fool you
They misguide you
How were the intentions true?
I blamed you
Yet I am at fault for my downfall
Its one in the morning
This soul is restless
Who do you trust?
The world pretends to care
But they dont
Satan says this rings true
What do I miss the most?
My Sanity
They say
“Its ok to feel darkness…”
Mine is darker than pitch black
She said
“Black cats bring bad luck…”
Theyve crossed my path
In a dream
I saw her beaten
I saw her thrown to the wolves
I never saw her so weak
It broke my heart
How can she be so cold & warm at the same time?
But arent we all
I don’t know a single pure soul
I wonder what its like to be normal
I wonder what its like to have integrity
To live with honesty
To walk with God
Its like Ive been running away my whole life
You have forsaken me


Not everything that glimmers & glistens is gold

We all fall for some sort of trap at some point in our lives

That girl lies through her teeth

Captivating her “prey” with those alluring mesmerizing green eyes

She bats away her fluffy long lashes

She twirls her long blacker than midnight hair with her finger

Her silhouette showing ever so perfectly as she gazes out into the sleepless night

She turns and her hips start swaying towards him

She bites her lip and looks as if she’s hungry for something

She grabs him from behind & kisses his neck…

Leaving red lipstick marks on the collar of his white shirt

With a soft pull at the silky lace her gown slides off her body

Her skin glows & glistens in the dark by candlelight

Her warm color of caramel seeps into the bed

As the pale color of white follows

The moans, howls, and yelps fill the empty air

Sooner rather than later

Gasps for air are heard

The bedroom door swings wide open

A man appears with tears streaming down his face

A rose in one hand & a gun pointing at her in the other

He looks towards the frail poor excuse of a man & shoots him

Eve screams as the killer comes towards her

She glances at the man who is no longer breathing or moving

Wishing she had been shot first

Eve finally recognizes the killer as one of the many men she had seen

Before she could speak the tape went over her mouth

He decided to hit her until she went unconscious

then sliced her open through her chest

The shattered pieces of her heart fell out to his surprise

He couldn’t even imagine that she had a heart to begin with

And he collapsed with the shattered pieces & the blood smeared all over

He weeped and moaned like a child

He had murdered a lost broken soul

A soul so hurt & broken & pushed to limits beyond her understanding

A soul that began destroying herself and everyone who walked into her life

She subconsciously sought revenge for every man who had harmed her

Yet she pushed away every good soul that came her way

In fear of losing them & the feeling that she wasn’t worthy

His weeping eventually came to an end and thought he heard something in the closet

I don’t know how I had stayed so quiet this entire time until now

I had watched all this through a crack in the door

He slid the door open & saw me cornered up in a ball

The man took his bloody finger & touched my lips

Signaling to stay silent & then walked away dropping the gun

That night left me confused for the rest of my life

How can we be so cruel & cold

How is it that some of us die before we are dead

Why is that some of us have to suffer so much

Why is that some of us who are given everything end up with nothing

Yet those who are given nothing end up with everything

Eventually after much therapy I moved on with my life

Years later my husband came home with a lipstick stain on his shirt late one evening

I looked the other way & pretended I didn’t notice as he quickly tried to hide it

I sat on our living room couch and I went completely numb

I gave this man my heart, my body, my soul, my everything

I lived my life for the home we built & the family we created

I tried examining our marriage and tried to pinpoint what I had done wrong

When I knew I was the best wife, friend, and mother I could have been

I remembered the beautiful woman who was murdered in front me during my childhood

I wondered if he was with a similar type of woman

I knew I would never grow up to be as captivating as she was

So I consciously tried to make it up in as many other ways as I possibly could

I must have failed

I failed

Again I thought … How are we so cruel

The only reason I kept living was to experience real love & to be loved

I had played a different role in the same story

And that was the night I died before I died

Love Me

I feel alive again

I wish I could lay my head on you

And call you home

I’m at peace

When I feel your tender touch

Words can’t even express

The love I have for you


How did I get to that point…

To be so numb

Just going through the motions

Killing myself softly inside

Oh how I wish I could go back in time

Praying to God to be forgiven

I wish I believed in God back then

I wish fear was instilled

I was never cold

I used to care

I’m fighting a war against myself

Just take me back

Back to the person I once was

The young smart girl full of hope

Full of innocence

Full of life

Bring that girl back to me



I can’t count how many times I’ve stared at ceilings

My eyes welling up with tears

As the beast enjoyed his grand midnight feast

A tear rolls down my cheek

The beast so engrossed he could not notice

How I would kill to be making love

This feels so mechanical & meaningless

I remember how I got here

I was running away from the thorns of love

Walk On By…

I glanced over

And I saw your face

My heart instantly dropped

I couldn’t believe I was seeing your handsome face

A shock took over me

You looked so beautiful

Your hair fluttering in the wind

The fall leaves falling from the trees

Your cosmopolitan walk

I had to hide before you saw me

I couldn’t let you see me like this


But how I wish I could have walked in your direction

How sweet would it have been to feel your loving embrace

How sweet would it have been to hold your dear face

Ive searched for someone like you for so long

Would I ever meet someone like you again?

And then my mind wanders to a dark place

As I gaze out into the midnight sky

I pray to God our paths will cross again

When the time is right



Its been so long

Yet I still think of you

Ive been digging in graveyards

Ive been searching all over

For You

I am a hopeless romantic

Yet I never let you see that side of me

I fear losing you forever

But I used to fear you the most

Only to realize now that you’re gone

You were the one I should have held close

I’m dying to see you again

Dying to touch you again

I’m dying to hold you

Dying for you to hold me

I’ve never longed for a man like this before

I’ll be laying in bed alone tonight…

With a drink in hand



I remember the last time I had to be this strong…

Strong enough to cut someone out my life

Someone I fell so deeply in love

Yet again I was blinded by love

I will not stand for toxic relationships anymore

I wont put up with all hurtful words that burn my soul

I won’t put up with being hurt physically

I will dedicate myself to being the strongest woman I can be

It all starts with not looking back

I will never trust someone again like I once did

There are things I will never share…

I must say that I’ve never been so emotionally hurt in my life ‘

I’ve never had someone tear me apart like so , my dreams, my home, my family

And as I lay on the floor, as the tears roll down

I know I’ve had my part in this as well

At least I had a glimpse of what love can be

Being so lost in someone that you forget about all their flaws

I had dreams..dreams of bearing children

Dreams of tending to our seeds & welcoming you home into my arms

I had dreams of building an empire with you

Yet you slashed through and destroyed them with the darkness in your heart

To the point where I no longer felt comfortable around you

To point where I constantly lived on edge

Feeling so vulnerable…so violated

I can’t let anyone touch me anymore

I don’t want anyone near me anymore

I don’t even want anyone to glance in my direction

I live in fear

I live in anxiety

Something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy

Intimacy has been taken from me…something I yearned for so long

I never walked away for being too busy…I walked away because I saw your true colors

I walked away because I constantly feared you

How could I live the rest of my life fearing someone I loved

And regardless of all the hurt in which you brought…I still wish you well

I wish you happiness, success, and so much more






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