Being human is beautiful…
The intensity of our emotions
The way we feel love
lust
heartbreak
pain
The ability to feel is beautiful
Compassion
To feel for another
We are comical creatures
The fact that we can feel so alone in a crowded city
Thinking that no one will understand us
Insanity
How we keep doing the same things over and over again
Expecting a different result
How we are afraid of the dark
Even though there is dark within us
How we are afraid of the unknown
Yet we don’t know ourselves
He sat on the couch
A man I had never seen before
He said he couldn’t understand how a human being could have the capability to torture someone so terribly
I went back to the scene
I saw him being tortured by a screwdriver
Someone just constantly drilling holes in his body
I felt the pain
It was horrendous
We went back to the interview on the couch where he then proceeded to tell me that he could never forgive his torturer
I felt this way once before
But never to this extent
The soul feels empty & hollow
The heart is full of rage & resentment
Hatred
How awful it is to carry this in one’s heart
It’s a deadly poison that has robbed me of life
I don’t even recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror
Stranger
I can’t imagine having lived with this all my life…
Numb
Still can’t believe it
The man I thought I loved
The man I used to adore
The man I used to look up to
The man I used to respect
Pleaded for my death
The very man I let inside me
The man I worshipped
The man I cared for
So I pulled out the knife from the kitchen drawer
Proceeded to cut myself but I was hesitant
Then I slowly slid it across my wrist
I felt adrenaline at first
Then I felt the pain
Then I thought of my family
i immediately put the knife down
I didn’t bleed at first so i payed no attention
I happened to look down at my wrist later & I was in shock
Im thinking I certainly must wear long sleeves to the family dinner
I can’t let them see what I did to myself over a man
How can you say that to someone you claim you love
The minute i heard those words
It was over for me
Within a few hours I was already in the arms of another man
He’s called over a hundred times since
I understand people say things when they are angry
But that of all things?
i understand I made a silly mistake
My heart is so numb
I can’t even take anymore
It’s one of those days…
My illness has taken over me
I didn’t feel this way this morning
The sunrise was full of optimism, hope, and life
Tonight I am a corpse
I feel like I am swimming against the current
I’m so tired of this everyday struggle
I wear a smile the minute I leave my house
I am so used to pretending
Pretending like everything is fine
When in reality there is a war inside my mind
When am I ever going to win?
I find sanctuary nowhere
Not even in my home
Not even in the arms of loved ones
So numb…
So cold…
Why so dark?
I pray for my sanity
I pray for my mind
I pray for my soul
All i wish for is
Freedom
Love
Sanity
within these 4 walls
my anxiety drowns me
my head spins with thoughts of suicide
my depression drags me across the floor
I fear myself
the decisions i make
the people i let walk into my life
Destruction
Chaos
Heartbreak
Torture
Greed
Curse the sweet words on thy toungue
Suffering
In silence…
Insomniac
“You will never be happy…”
Is that a curse too?
I remember it like a tape playing on & on
How I hate you
Those eyes lie
People fool you
They misguide you
How were the intentions true?
I blamed you
Yet I am at fault for my downfall
Niavete
Its one in the morning
This soul is restless
Who do you trust?
The world pretends to care
But they dont
Satan says this rings true
What do I miss the most?
My Sanity
They say
“Its ok to feel darkness…”
Mine is darker than pitch black
She said
“Black cats bring bad luck…”
Theyve crossed my path
In a dream
I saw her beaten
I saw her thrown to the wolves
I never saw her so weak
It broke my heart
How can she be so cold & warm at the same time?
But arent we all
I don’t know a single pure soul
I wonder what its like to be normal
I wonder what its like to have integrity
To live with honesty
To walk with God
Its like Ive been running away my whole life
You have forsaken me
Not everything that glimmers & glistens is gold
We all fall for some sort of trap at some point in our lives
That girl lies through her teeth
Captivating her “prey” with those alluring mesmerizing green eyes
She bats away her fluffy long lashes
She twirls her long blacker than midnight hair with her finger
Her silhouette showing ever so perfectly as she gazes out into the sleepless night
She turns and her hips start swaying towards him
She bites her lip and looks as if she’s hungry for something
She grabs him from behind & kisses his neck…
Leaving red lipstick marks on the collar of his white shirt
With a soft pull at the silky lace her gown slides off her body
Her skin glows & glistens in the dark by candlelight
Her warm color of caramel seeps into the bed
As the pale color of white follows
The moans, howls, and yelps fill the empty air
Sooner rather than later
Gasps for air are heard
The bedroom door swings wide open
A man appears with tears streaming down his face
A rose in one hand & a gun pointing at her in the other
He looks towards the frail poor excuse of a man & shoots him
Eve screams as the killer comes towards her
She glances at the man who is no longer breathing or moving
Wishing she had been shot first
Eve finally recognizes the killer as one of the many men she had seen
Before she could speak the tape went over her mouth
He decided to hit her until she went unconscious
then sliced her open through her chest
The shattered pieces of her heart fell out to his surprise
He couldn’t even imagine that she had a heart to begin with
And he collapsed with the shattered pieces & the blood smeared all over
He weeped and moaned like a child
He had murdered a lost broken soul
A soul so hurt & broken & pushed to limits beyond her understanding
A soul that began destroying herself and everyone who walked into her life
She subconsciously sought revenge for every man who had harmed her
Yet she pushed away every good soul that came her way
In fear of losing them & the feeling that she wasn’t worthy
His weeping eventually came to an end and thought he heard something in the closet
I don’t know how I had stayed so quiet this entire time until now
I had watched all this through a crack in the door
He slid the door open & saw me cornered up in a ball
The man took his bloody finger & touched my lips
Signaling to stay silent & then walked away dropping the gun
That night left me confused for the rest of my life
How can we be so cruel & cold
How is it that some of us die before we are dead
Why is that some of us have to suffer so much
Why is that some of us who are given everything end up with nothing
Yet those who are given nothing end up with everything
…
Eventually after much therapy I moved on with my life
Years later my husband came home with a lipstick stain on his shirt late one evening
I looked the other way & pretended I didn’t notice as he quickly tried to hide it
I sat on our living room couch and I went completely numb
I gave this man my heart, my body, my soul, my everything
I lived my life for the home we built & the family we created
I tried examining our marriage and tried to pinpoint what I had done wrong
When I knew I was the best wife, friend, and mother I could have been
I remembered the beautiful woman who was murdered in front me during my childhood
I wondered if he was with a similar type of woman
I knew I would never grow up to be as captivating as she was
So I consciously tried to make it up in as many other ways as I possibly could
I must have failed
I failed
Again I thought … How are we so cruel
The only reason I kept living was to experience real love & to be loved
I had played a different role in the same story
And that was the night I died before I died
How did I get to that point…
To be so numb
Just going through the motions
Killing myself softly inside
Oh how I wish I could go back in time
Praying to God to be forgiven
I wish I believed in God back then
I wish fear was instilled
I was never cold
I used to care
I’m fighting a war against myself
Just take me back
Back to the person I once was
The young smart girl full of hope
Full of innocence
Full of life
Bring that girl back to me
Please
I can’t count how many times I’ve stared at ceilings
My eyes welling up with tears
As the beast enjoyed his grand midnight feast
A tear rolls down my cheek
The beast so engrossed he could not notice
How I would kill to be making love
This feels so mechanical & meaningless
I remember how I got here
I was running away from the thorns of love
Awakening of Ann 