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Awakening of Ann

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diary of a young woman

It kills me to know

It kills me to know

To know that you’re with her

To know that she has you

That you put a ring on her finger

And not mine

To know that you two share a bed

That you two share a home

That she wakes up to you every morning

And gets to look at your handsome face

And feel your love

Your warm embrace

Yet your love always flickers

She’s the one that shares a life with you

A life that I’ll never have with you

Because you’ll never leave…

Because shes just that easy

And shell stay no matter what

And here I am in my own bed

Alone

Left with the memories of you here

Of the love we shared

Of the lies you told me

And yet I can’t stop thinking of you

And I hate myself

For missing you so

Im yearning for you

And I fight myself everyday

To not reach out to you

Because theres a part of me that wants to hold on

Hold on dearly

Hold on tightly

To the love I thought you had for me

To the man I thought you were

The grand man you painted yourself to be

You’ve shattered my illusions

You’ve shattered my dreams

The one I had with you

I saw my whole life in your eyes

And it hurts

To know that I was never safe with you

Even though I thought I was

That you set your eyes on me

To break my heart

To feed your ego

To play with my mind

To open up old wounds

The ones I thought I healed

So here…

Lets raise a glass to my solitude

To finding love within myself

To finding safety in myself

To finding peace on my own

To move on in life without you

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Naked

There I lay uncovered for all to see

Baring my soul

Baring my body

As all the eyes peered down from above

With love

Without judgement

In this beautiful sacred space

Something I felt like was surgery of some spiritual nature

My eyes fluttered as fast as my heart was beating

As a knot grew in my throat

And even then I still blossomed

With my sweet nectar

I’ll never forget how we recognized the Divine

Gazing into the depths of eachother’s souls

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Bottled Up

After all these years…

I still hate you

But in truth I hate myself for allowing you to do the things you did

There’s hate because your anger still lives inside me

Take your anger back

This is not my obligation to carry your pain

I wonder if I ever cross your mind

At this point I don’t care really

I could have hurt you so much more than I did

I had you in my hands and I could have ruined your life forever

But I am not you

I am not the monster that you are

Stop projecting your mirror image onto others

Be well dear for I have once made love to you

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Anger

Didn’t scream
Didn’t fight
Didn’t yell
Didn’t destroy

Repressed
Suppressed
Stuffed down
Bottled Up

When Anger spoke

Anger Cried

And she said

“You kept me silent for so long”

“You never let me speak”

“You’ve neglected me for so long”

“You never let me be heard”

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Pussy

You’ve come from my womb
I have birthed you
I have nurtured you
I have loved you
From birth you will spend the rest of your life
Trying to reach my womb once again
You seek my comfort
Let your head rest on my humble bosom
You seek my nurturing
Let your pains wash away with the pleasure of my body
I have let you into my sanctuary
When you brought home food
I gave you a meal in return
When you bought a house
I gave you a loving home to return to
When you planted seeds
I gave you more life
I let you carry out your legacy for generations
He has plowed my soil
With all the love I have given & everything I have multiplied for you
You yet refuse to admit you fear me
You have built the world in your favor
You have shackled my spirituality…my nature
You have worked your whole life to own me and my beautiful sisters
You have marked me as your land, your territory
You have worked to conquer me..to control us
You can’t seem to embrace the power of my sexuality
Throughout the ages
You have sacrificed me
You have stoned me to death
You have burned me as a witch
You have divorced me
You have separated me from my children
Why do you shame thus which you desire so much?
You see me only as you want me to be
Yet I am so much more
I hear your muttered insults
Those directed towards my insatiable exotic sisters
Those directed to myself
Yet you dream of us
Yet you desire us
Yet you LUST for us
For you desire not just I…but all the beauties I have birthed
So let us be free…the way we have let you be free without stigma
You hate me and my daughters for we have refused to be your slaves
Why the electrified high-security razor-wire fence to contain a kitty-cat?
My dear, the strength of the drive determines the force required to suppress it.
My pussy makes the world go round
You simply can’t forget me

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Woman

I’m not your slave…
Yet there are moments when I want to be
I’m not your whore…
Yet there are moments when I want you to treat me as such
I’m not your sanctuary
Though I wish all I could offer you is peace
She struggles with her identity as a woman
I hate that I want you…
And now my dear…
I need you for reasons people can’t quite grasp
I write
When the hearts cries & when it sings in joy
Baby you got the world…
But at what price?
I want to get down on my knees
I want to serve you
How could I betray myself like that?
To let a man conquer me
To love you so much
I blessed you with my darkest abyss
I let you plant seeds
For I am mother…
One with the earth
We reap what we sow

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Hate

I felt this way once before

But never to this extent

The soul feels empty & hollow

The heart is full of rage & resentment

Hatred

How awful it is to carry this in one’s heart

It’s a deadly poison that has robbed me of life

I don’t even recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror

Stranger

I can’t imagine having lived with this all my life…

 

 

 

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Defeat…

It’s one of those days…

My illness has taken over me

I didn’t feel this way this morning

The sunrise was full of optimism, hope, and life

Tonight I am a corpse

I feel like I am swimming against the current

I’m so tired of this everyday struggle

I wear a smile the minute I leave my house

I am so used to pretending

Pretending like everything is fine

When in reality there is a war inside my mind

When am I ever going to win?

I find sanctuary nowhere

Not even in my home

Not even in the arms of loved ones

So numb…

So cold…

Why so dark?

 

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Ceilings..

I can’t count how many times I’ve stared at ceilings

My eyes welling up with tears

As the beast enjoyed his grand midnight feast

A tear rolls down my cheek

The beast so engrossed he could not notice

How I would kill to be making love

This feels so mechanical & meaningless

I remember how I got here

I was running away from the thorns of love

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