depression

Restless Nights

How can I sleep?
When I know how much the world suffers
When I know that there are so many other broken souls who drown their voices & dreams with the rivers of their tears
How can I sleep?
When I sprawl my fingers out onto my bed beside me and I feel the emptiness
How can I sleep?
When I think about who you could be making love to now…
Who are you lying to now?
It’s as if I can feel the pain of the world along with it’s beauty
How can I sleep?
When I’ve gotten almost everything I ever wanted yet I am still unhappy
I still will never forget those tears & cries
I didn’t know where they were coming from at first
It just seemed like noise
Until I realized I was the one crying
That night it felt like my soul died

February 22, 2018 0

Curse

This world
People are cruel
People are mean
People are sick
They’re all sick in the head one way or another
Why would I ever want to bring children in this world?
Selfish people want families
They want what they want
Not knowing how much pain they’re causing…
Then they raise monsters…
That are just like them
Mirror Images
And as much as we try to stop it from happening…
The monster still lies in your reflection
You are them
You carry the sickness of humanity
Show me one good pure soul
And I’ll rest my case
Its not who you are when things are good
But who you are when things get bad

January 6, 2018 0

Knowing…

What is it that you would like to know?
My life…
Who I am?
Because you know so little of me
You want to know more than just my name
But do you really?
You ask me what people have done to me
And you insist…
Do we really have to have this conversation now?
I’ve been used against my will
He had a thrust inside me without my permission
Is that what you want to hear?
That I’ve been beaten down to the floor
Humiliated to the point where you feel that you feel lower than dirt
Manipulated into doing very bad things…
This is my life
But I don’t talk about it
I don’t cry for me…I cry for her…the soul of that young girl who died
I don’t want it to seem like I’m complaining
Because Id rather have this misfortune than the ones others have
My childhood you say…
Imagine a bird in a cage…
You tricked me
You didn’t want to know all that did you?
Well now you do
And now you wish that you never asked.

January 6, 2018 0

Defeat…

It’s one of those days…

My illness has taken over me

I didn’t feel this way this morning

The sunrise was full of optimism, hope, and life

Tonight I am a corpse

I feel like I am swimming against the current

I’m so tired of this everyday struggle

I wear a smile the minute I leave my house

I am so used to pretending

Pretending like everything is fine

When in reality there is a war inside my mind

When am I ever going to win?

I find sanctuary nowhere

Not even in my home

Not even in the arms of loved ones

So numb…

So cold…

Why so dark?

November 7, 2017 0

Forsaken

I pray for my sanity
I pray for my mind
I pray for my soul
All i wish for is
Freedom
Love
Sanity
within these 4 walls
my anxiety drowns me
my head spins with thoughts of suicide
my depression drags me across the floor
I fear myself
the decisions i make
the people i let walk into my life
Destruction
Chaos
Heartbreak
Torture
Greed
Curse the sweet words on thy toungue
Suffering
In silence…
Insomniac
“You will never be happy…”
Is that a curse too?
I remember it like a tape playing on & on
How I hate you
Those eyes lie
People fool you
They misguide you
How were the intentions true?
I blamed you
Yet I am at fault for my downfall
Niavete
Its one in the morning
This soul is restless
Who do you trust?
The world pretends to care
But they dont
Satan says this rings true
What do I miss the most?
My Sanity
They say
“Its ok to feel darkness…”
Mine is darker than pitch black
She said
“Black cats bring bad luck…”
Theyve crossed my path
In a dream
I saw her beaten
I saw her thrown to the wolves
I never saw her so weak
It broke my heart
How can she be so cold & warm at the same time?
But arent we all
I don’t know a single pure soul
I wonder what its like to be normal
I wonder what its like to have integrity
To live with honesty
To walk with God
Its like Ive been running away my whole life
You have forsaken me

November 5, 2017 3

The Tables Turned

I used to look at depressed people
With confusion
Not understanding why
How could someone be so depressed?
How could someone cry so much?
How could someone wallow in their pain for so long?
It is truly pathetic
But now I find myself on the other side
Drowning in my own salty tears
I have become someone I ridiculed
There is so much to be grateful for
So much had gone so right
Everything feels like it’s crashing
Like a plane high in the sky
heading full speed downwards
I just have no idea how I got here
I never saw this coming
I didn’t think I would be crashing like this again
I said goodbye to the sad lonely girl long ago
Embracing all the good things in life
Appreciating the most simple things in life
Yet the darkness seeped back into my soul
Capturing me with it’s deathly grip
Now I am dreaming I am satan himself
Wandering aimlessly through life
Hoping & Praying to God
I’ll stumble onto where I belong
Stumble onto my Purpose
Something I used to think I had all figured out
I was a brave one
Brave & Stubborn & Determined
Nothing was getting in my way
It was either my way or the highway
I overcame every obstacle
Anything I wanted…
I always went in & got it
I was confident & focused
I knew what I wanted
I knew where I was going
And no one was able to tear me down
Somewhere along the way
I fell
I fell so hard…again & again
To the point where I just laid on the ground
Defeated …curled up in a fetal position
Incapable of looking in the mirror
I became a shell of myself
The person I used to be
Not everyone is the angel they seem to be
And not everyone is the devil
I guess it’s time to swallow my pride
Not that there is any left…

January 5, 2017 0

My Life

Words sizzled through my heart

The way a cigarette burns through flesh

What is life like?

When you pushed away everyone who was good in your life

Subconsciously sabotaging relationships for a mysterious underlying issue

When you pushed away your family to a breaking a point

When your friends don’t know what is going on

Because you’re too afraid to trust anyone

Because you’re too afraid they will judge you

In the end, that is what they all do anyways

When you lied your entire life

So no one believes you when you are actually telling the truth

Maybe it is time to stand on my own two feet again

And you realize all the games people played you with

When you realize you were simply just part of a cruel game

I’m going back in time right now

Trying to pinpoint the exact moment when everything went wrong

I guess there isn’t a single point

Some things just slowly happen before you realize

I don’t even know what goes on in my head anymore

The most fucked up thing about this

Is I know I created this world for myself

I don’t want to lose everything…

December 15, 2016 0

Thought I Forgot

Life goes on
That I know
Something that I believed in
But you creep into my thoughts
Trying to replace you
Erase you from my heart
Yet you linger
You come when I least expect it
As if I left the door open for you
If I could just kiss you one more time
I wonder what it would feel like
Would you give me those sparks again
Would you hold me tight
Not wanting to let go
I know I shouldn’t
Keep thinking what if
What if I let myself fall
Fall in love so madly & deeply beyond words
So deep I can’t find myself
Suffocating & drowning in your love
I wish I knew
I wish I didn’t run away
I don’t want to look back
I don’t want to live in the past
Yet you made me feel
I want to feel
I need you to rip my heart out
Just let it burn
Watch the flames engulf my soul, mind, & body
Trying to find you
Trying to find anyone like you
I’m willing to be blinded again
I’m willing to be broken
Just love me & run away with my heart