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Awakening of Ann

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Its A Blur…

I can smell it in the air

I can feel that soft chill whispering in my ear

It all feels like it keeps going way too fast

The seasons keep changing

I keep changing

People keep changing

I feel like someone pressed fastforward

When all I want to do is rewind

I keep dreaming about you

Did you really want the best for me?

I wish I knew your intentions

But everything just happened

….”and it kept happening”

Felt like a tornado just swept me up & spit me out

I can’t even remember everything that happened

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Leave

There is a wretched feeling in my heart
A feeling I will not give way to
I refuse to end up like them
I refuse to end up broken and alone
Or broken and being tied down in which I see no escape to
I refuse to indulge in these feelings of the heart
They are not rational
They don’t make any logical sense
So tell me why are you here?
You serve me no purpose than to cause me such anguish late at night
To keep me up
To keep my mind wandering around
When time could be used wisely
Instead of counting teardrops on this silk pillow of mine
Give me the strength to push through
Give me serenity
I will not let a fool come into my life and sweep me with sweet words
With empty promises and a future which truly bares to be just smoke and mirrors
Let me live
Let me live freely and by my own judgements
Let my heart be free
Come but do not stay
For if you stay
It shall make me sad
So leave darling
Leave…

-an old poem

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It kills me to know

It kills me to know

To know that you’re with her

To know that she has you

That you put a ring on her finger

And not mine

To know that you two share a bed

That you two share a home

That she wakes up to you every morning

And gets to look at your handsome face

And feel your love

Your warm embrace

Yet your love always flickers

She’s the one that shares a life with you

A life that I’ll never have with you

Because you’ll never leave…

Because shes just that easy

And shell stay no matter what

And here I am in my own bed

Alone

Left with the memories of you here

Of the love we shared

Of the lies you told me

And yet I can’t stop thinking of you

And I hate myself

For missing you so

Im yearning for you

And I fight myself everyday

To not reach out to you

Because theres a part of me that wants to hold on

Hold on dearly

Hold on tightly

To the love I thought you had for me

To the man I thought you were

The grand man you painted yourself to be

You’ve shattered my illusions

You’ve shattered my dreams

The one I had with you

I saw my whole life in your eyes

And it hurts

To know that I was never safe with you

Even though I thought I was

That you set your eyes on me

To break my heart

To feed your ego

To play with my mind

To open up old wounds

The ones I thought I healed

So here…

Lets raise a glass to my solitude

To finding love within myself

To finding safety in myself

To finding peace on my own

To move on in life without you

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Naked

There I lay uncovered for all to see

Baring my soul

Baring my body

As all the eyes peered down from above

With love

Without judgement

In this beautiful sacred space

Something I felt like was surgery of some spiritual nature

My eyes fluttered as fast as my heart was beating

As a knot grew in my throat

And even then I still blossomed

With my sweet nectar

I’ll never forget how we recognized the Divine

Gazing into the depths of eachother’s souls

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Void

Oh how I wish you were real
The way you look at me
Sends shivers down my spine
Yet deep down I know
There is no depth to those seemingly loving eyes
You paint my dreams
As if you could read my mind
And oh how you paint them so vividly
As if I could almost taste them
As if I could almost hold them
Yet I know this is all part of your trickery
All these games you play to fill a void
Because nothing is ever enough
No love can make you feel complete
No love in this world could make you feel whole
Even If I loved you unconditionally which I try hard to do
At what point do I become this empty black hole like you?
At what point do I become the reflection of your void?
Empty and Hollow
Yet we all have our coping mechanisms don’t we?
For some it’s the bottles..
Other its the pills…
Yet for a few it’s lover after lover after lover
I remember when I chose to not be like you
I knew I should care because it was the right thing to do
As painful as it turned out to be
And I cry
For I who claim myself a healer…
Is lost in healing you…

You have lost the very beauty of being alive
For if you cut out all your pain and suffering
You will never experience the gift of happiness

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Shadows

I danced in the shower
candlelights on
i turned around to see my shadow
And there she was
Three times my size
Bigger
Taller
Wider
Her hips amplified
She frightened me
Yet I thought of Maya
I thought of illusion
How much brighter do we shine in the darkness
That glimmer of hope
Flickering like wild
Yet burning nonetheless
Burn baby Burn
Don’t let anyone put out your fire

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Wonder

I wonder where you are late at night
When I don’t hear from you, a simple Goodnight
I wonder if you’re with her
I wonder if you’re in bed with her…
Is she throwing herself at you?
Are you kissing her neck?
Smelling her hair…
Holding her close
Because I’m not there
I’m no where close
No where to be seen, no where to be heard
And in her eyes you forget about me
You dove so deep…
And you forgot about me…
Even though I’m still here
Crying for help in this pool of misery
I wish I could cry for help
Yet I want no pity from you
You’ll only chase her more
And in the morning I’ll smile
Pretending like I don’t know
Pretending like it’s all right
When in reality, nothing is, nothing is…

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Walking Away

He looks at her
And you walk away
You’re scared aren’t you?
You just can’t admit it
But everyone knows dear
It is so evident in your face
These walls you built
These walls these people built around your heart
It must hurt
To be way up high in that icy cold castle of yours
Hiding away all your jewels and treasures
What are they if they are just for you to marvel at
And the bridge collapses…
That bridge you were trying to get him to climb over
But you just gave up..
You gave up because you’re scared
I am too
I am just like you
I walk away
Because once I couldn’t
I’d rather walk away than to be torn apart
When walking away feels harder
When I can’t imagine walking away

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Monsters

They lie next to you
In Bed
They lie to you
They are the lie
Sometimes they snore
Sometimes they don’t
They sit next to you in church
They give to charities
Good deeds that never come from the heart
Master Manipulators
You would never know
They stand among us disguised as good samaratins
They leave hidden paths of destruction and chaos
They are to be understood
Not to be hated
For hate wears heavy on the heart
If anything there is pity
For they are prisoners of their own sickness
Broken mirrors they are
What you see is not an accurate reflection
They like to play
For what are games to them
Are nightmare for us
Beware
Of the monsters that live among us
True evil exists in this world

….
Please Read People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil by M Scott Peck

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