When most people were escaping their pain through their work
When most people would pick up the bottle
When most people would do a line & a half
When most people would bury their pain in a womans body
I was stepping into the fire
I laid in my bed
For hours
For days
For weeks
But I too was numbing out…
I numbed myself out of joy
I numbed myself out of life
Joy did not come & go
Joy came & fled
And darkness slowly overtook
I hid
I tried to fit myself into places I didnt belong
I starved myself, cut myself, tried to refigure & rearrange myself
I hid from places where I wanted to be
I hid from people I wanted in my life
All because
There was a little part of me
That felt like I wasn’t good enough to be there
That everyone is better than me
That Ill be rejected
Like how the people who were supposed to love me the most
Rejected me
I used to look at depressed people
With confusion
Not understanding why
How could someone be so depressed?
How could someone cry so much?
How could someone wallow in their pain for so long?
It is truly pathetic
But now I find myself on the other side
Drowning in my own salty tears
I have become someone I ridiculed
There is so much to be grateful for
So much had gone so right
Everything feels like it’s crashing
Like a plane high in the sky
heading full speed downwards
I just have no idea how I got here
I never saw this coming
I didn’t think I would be crashing like this again
I said goodbye to the sad lonely girl long ago
Embracing all the good things in life
Appreciating the most simple things in life
Yet the darkness seeped back into my soul
Capturing me with it’s deathly grip
Now I am dreaming I am satan himself
Wandering aimlessly through life
Hoping & Praying to God
I’ll stumble onto where I belong
Stumble onto my Purpose
Something I used to think I had all figured out
I was a brave one
Brave & Stubborn & Determined
Nothing was getting in my way
It was either my way or the highway
I overcame every obstacle
Anything I wanted…
I always went in & got it
I was confident & focused
I knew what I wanted
I knew where I was going
And no one was able to tear me down
Somewhere along the way
I fell
I fell so hard…again & again
To the point where I just laid on the ground
Defeated …curled up in a fetal position
Incapable of looking in the mirror
I became a shell of myself
The person I used to be
Not everyone is the angel they seem to be
And not everyone is the devil
I guess it’s time to swallow my pride
Not that there is any left…
What an interesting concept?
How two creatures could feel such a longing for one another
To feel the warmth of another’s body
To gaze into the depths of another’s soul
Whispering sweet nothings
Immersing oneself into the sweetest pleasures on Earth
Conquering her Heart
Entering her sacred temple
Their minds go blank
Collapsing & gasping for air
Trying to hold on to this feeling forever
Sweet Embraces
Words sizzled through my heart
The way a cigarette burns through flesh
What is life like?
When you pushed away everyone who was good in your life
Subconsciously sabotaging relationships for a mysterious underlying issue
When you pushed away your family to a breaking a point
When your friends don’t know what is going on
Because you’re too afraid to trust anyone
Because you’re too afraid they will judge you
In the end, that is what they all do anyways
When you lied your entire life
So no one believes you when you are actually telling the truth
Maybe it is time to stand on my own two feet again
And you realize all the games people played you with
When you realize you were simply just part of a cruel game
I’m going back in time right now
Trying to pinpoint the exact moment when everything went wrong
I guess there isn’t a single point
Some things just slowly happen before you realize
I don’t even know what goes on in my head anymore
The most fucked up thing about this
Is I know I created this world for myself
I don’t want to lose everything…
The years went by
Their youthful faces began disappearing
The zest for life began to fade
The monotony of life got to them
They slept farther apart in bed
They became strangers in the same house
The twinkle in her eyes had vanished
There were no more flowers…no more celebrations
The dinners grew quiet
It was so evident in their faces….that everything was lost
That nothing could be repaired
The passion had died down into ashes
The house became empty
The lives they created became wrapped up in themselves
Their little ones had flown from their nest
Nothing was left but silence
However time had continued…
And a word was never spoken
They stayed together out of fear
Fear of being alone
Fear of breaking the hearts of their little ones
Death had dawned upon them one day
It came without warning
It came into the dark of the night
Their lives seemed to vanish in a blink of an eye
I witnessed all of it
I saw them dying in front of me
No one understood that she was a living corpse
She hated her life, she hated her husband, she hated her kids
Yet she fulfilled her role in society
He always wanted more in life
Yet she always seemed to hold him back
Drowning his dreams into her fears
She killed his aspirations
So he was never able to reach his destination
And that was their story
So I promised myself I would never commit to anyone for the rest of my life
Afraid I would become a part of the same story
Awakening of Ann 