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Awakening of Ann

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The man go on holiday
I am home
He always comes back
But actually I am the holiday
I am no man’s home
And it shall remain that way

Bitch

Where the fuck are you?
Where have you been?
Bitch I’m waiting for you
Stop playing these silly games
Just meet me where I am
Why couldn’t you be the one?
I seriously thought it was you
And then you went ahead and crumbled my love for you in your hands
How could you do that to me?
I have no idea how to erase you from my memories
I still dream about you
You were my first real love
What a terrible experience that was
I have yet to fall in love like that again
Have you?
Have you not found someone to put up with all your bullshit yet?
I doubt it
At least not like I did
Do you still dream about me?
I bet you curse my name every day
There’s a barrier between us
You put that there
It wasn’t me baby
What do you have left to say?
I wonder if I’ll ever happen to come across you
I wonder how you’d look at me
Would you have eyes of repentance?
Would you even look at me?
Would you say “I know I fucked up.”
I drowned all my dreams with those bottles
Laying in my bed
Looking at the ceiling
It could have been so perfect
Oh sweet baby
I’m sorry
I’m sorry for you
This bitch

Restless Nights

How can I sleep?
When I know how much the world suffers
When I know that there are so many other broken souls who drown their voices & dreams with the rivers of their tears
How can I sleep?
When I sprawl my fingers out onto my bed beside me and I feel the emptiness
How can I sleep?
When I think about who you could be making love to now…
Who are you lying to now?
It’s as if I can feel the pain of the world along with it’s beauty
How can I sleep?
When I’ve gotten almost everything I ever wanted yet I am still unhappy
I still will never forget those tears & cries
I didn’t know where they were coming from at first
It just seemed like noise
Until I realized I was the one crying
That night it felt like my soul died

This Time

I no longer pray for myself
I pray for you
I pray that you learn to forgive one day
I pray one day you can let go of all that hatred in your heart
What a heavy thing to carry it must be
I pray that one day you will find happiness
I pray that you will find that from within yourself
I pray for you my dear
My old beloved

Defeat…

It’s one of those days…

My illness has taken over me

I didn’t feel this way this morning

The sunrise was full of optimism, hope, and life

Tonight I am a corpse

I feel like I am swimming against the current

I’m so tired of this everyday struggle

I wear a smile the minute I leave my house

I am so used to pretending

Pretending like everything is fine

When in reality there is a war inside my mind

When am I ever going to win?

I find sanctuary nowhere

Not even in my home

Not even in the arms of loved ones

So numb…

So cold…

Why so dark?

 

Forsaken

I pray for my sanity
I pray for my mind
I pray for my soul
All i wish for is
Freedom
Love
Sanity
within these 4 walls
my anxiety drowns me
my head spins with thoughts of suicide
my depression drags me across the floor
I fear myself
the decisions i make
the people i let walk into my life
Destruction
Chaos
Heartbreak
Torture
Greed
Curse the sweet words on thy toungue
Suffering
In silence…
Insomniac
“You will never be happy…”
Is that a curse too?
I remember it like a tape playing on & on
How I hate you
Those eyes lie
People fool you
They misguide you
How were the intentions true?
I blamed you
Yet I am at fault for my downfall
Niavete
Its one in the morning
This soul is restless
Who do you trust?
The world pretends to care
But they dont
Satan says this rings true
What do I miss the most?
My Sanity
They say
“Its ok to feel darkness…”
Mine is darker than pitch black
She said
“Black cats bring bad luck…”
Theyve crossed my path
In a dream
I saw her beaten
I saw her thrown to the wolves
I never saw her so weak
It broke my heart
How can she be so cold & warm at the same time?
But arent we all
I don’t know a single pure soul
I wonder what its like to be normal
I wonder what its like to have integrity
To live with honesty
To walk with God
Its like Ive been running away my whole life
You have forsaken me

Sweet Embrace

Looking at you just makes me melt

So much about you gives me butterflies

So near me to touch

I want to feel your sweet embrace

I want to feel you love me all over again

I love the warmth of your heart

Your kisses are unlike any other

The sweetest kisses I have ever tasted

The way you gently hold my face as our lips engage

So tender it is … as if you were an Angel

If I fall.. I only want it to be in your arms

Memories…

So Bitter & Sweet

I can remember a beautiful sunny hot day as we sat at the table in your backyard

Sipping on Iced tea..laughing & talking about our boyfriends at that time

I felt like we were the only ones who understood how important love was to us

I thought we would grow old together

I imagined us sitting in our rocking chairs as little raisins…

Still laughing…sipping on iced teas on a summer day

You still appear in my dreams

I wonder how you are

I wonder how my life would be like if you were still in it

And I always admit to myself…how much I miss you

I miss confiding in you

I miss turning to you when the world seemed to go dark on me

I miss lying my head on your shoulder

You were the only one who knew my entire story

From beginning to end

You saw how I was suffering…

I thought you were my ride or die

Today I am still confused whether you still were or if it changed

I might never know but it doesn’t haunt me

I learned to let go & move forward

I just find it interesting

To think you are close enough to walk to & ring on your doorbell

I always imagine how it would go

If our eyes would meet in regret…if we would swallow our pride and embrace

I wonder if you ever reached out without me knowing

I simply miss having that one person..who just simply understood

 

 

 

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