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Awakening of Ann

Welcome to my soul & mind

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Poetry

Void

Oh how I wish you were real
The way you look at me
Sends shivers down my spine
Yet deep down I know
There is no depth to those seemingly loving eyes
You paint my dreams
As if you could read my mind
And oh how you paint them so vividly
As if I could almost taste them
As if I could almost hold them
Yet I know this is all part of your trickery
All these games you play to fill a void
Because nothing is ever enough
No love can make you feel complete
No love in this world could make you feel whole
Even If I loved you unconditionally which I try hard to do
At what point do I become this empty black hole like you?
At what point do I become the reflection of your void?
Empty and Hollow
Yet we all have our coping mechanisms don’t we?
For some it’s the bottles..
Other its the pills…
Yet for a few it’s lover after lover after lover
I remember when I chose to not be like you
I knew I should care because it was the right thing to do
As painful as it turned out to be
And I cry
For I who claim myself a healer…
Is lost in healing you…

You have lost the very beauty of being alive
For if you cut out all your pain and suffering
You will never experience the gift of happiness

Shadows

I danced in the shower
candlelights on
i turned around to see my shadow
And there she was
Three times my size
Bigger
Taller
Wider
Her hips amplified
She frightened me
Yet I thought of Maya
I thought of illusion
How much brighter do we shine in the darkness
That glimmer of hope
Flickering like wild
Yet burning nonetheless
Burn baby Burn
Don’t let anyone put out your fire

Her Smile

I can see the sadness in your smile
He said
I can see it in your eyes
I knew from the first time I saw you again that something was missing
Something is Missing
Is it my love
Am I missing my love?
I bathe myself in sweet solitude
I prefer to be alone
Unbothered
Yet my heart yearns for more
More than just a connection
More than just another lover’s sweet lips
More than just another lustful encounter on a sweet summer night
The seasons are changing my dear
I’m waiting
To wake up in a different life
To wake up in a different person
To wake up in a different perspective
Shake me my dear
Shake me for I am sleeping in life
It’s all a dream
Bring me back to reality
For I have lost my sight
I have lost my vision for so much more
Yet You have so much more to go
He said
And she turned away
Let me dive into your world
Because I’d like to forget mine…

She looks in the mirror
Where is this sadness this man speaks of?

Darling….remember
This life is what you make of it

It is not what the world can give you
But what you can give to the world

Home

The man go on holiday
I am home
He always comes back
But actually I am the holiday
I am no man’s home
And it shall remain that way

Bitch

Where the fuck are you?
Where have you been?
Bitch I’m waiting for you
Stop playing these silly games
Just meet me where I am
Why couldn’t you be the one?
I seriously thought it was you
And then you went ahead and crumbled my love for you in your hands
How could you do that to me?
I have no idea how to erase you from my memories
I still dream about you
You were my first real love
What a terrible experience that was
I have yet to fall in love like that again
Have you?
Have you not found someone to put up with all your bullshit yet?
I doubt it
At least not like I did
Do you still dream about me?
I bet you curse my name every day
There’s a barrier between us
You put that there
It wasn’t me baby
What do you have left to say?
I wonder if I’ll ever happen to come across you
I wonder how you’d look at me
Would you have eyes of repentance?
Would you even look at me?
Would you say “I know I fucked up.”
I drowned all my dreams with those bottles
Laying in my bed
Looking at the ceiling
It could have been so perfect
Oh sweet baby
I’m sorry
I’m sorry for you
This bitch

Restless Nights

How can I sleep?
When I know how much the world suffers
When I know that there are so many other broken souls who drown their voices & dreams with the rivers of their tears
How can I sleep?
When I sprawl my fingers out onto my bed beside me and I feel the emptiness
How can I sleep?
When I think about who you could be making love to now…
Who are you lying to now?
It’s as if I can feel the pain of the world along with it’s beauty
How can I sleep?
When I’ve gotten almost everything I ever wanted yet I am still unhappy
I still will never forget those tears & cries
I didn’t know where they were coming from at first
It just seemed like noise
Until I realized I was the one crying
That night it felt like my soul died

This Time

I no longer pray for myself
I pray for you
I pray that you learn to forgive one day
I pray one day you can let go of all that hatred in your heart
What a heavy thing to carry it must be
I pray that one day you will find happiness
I pray that you will find that from within yourself
I pray for you my dear
My old beloved

Defeat…

It’s one of those days…

My illness has taken over me

I didn’t feel this way this morning

The sunrise was full of optimism, hope, and life

Tonight I am a corpse

I feel like I am swimming against the current

I’m so tired of this everyday struggle

I wear a smile the minute I leave my house

I am so used to pretending

Pretending like everything is fine

When in reality there is a war inside my mind

When am I ever going to win?

I find sanctuary nowhere

Not even in my home

Not even in the arms of loved ones

So numb…

So cold…

Why so dark?

 

Forsaken

I pray for my sanity
I pray for my mind
I pray for my soul
All i wish for is
Freedom
Love
Sanity
within these 4 walls
my anxiety drowns me
my head spins with thoughts of suicide
my depression drags me across the floor
I fear myself
the decisions i make
the people i let walk into my life
Destruction
Chaos
Heartbreak
Torture
Greed
Curse the sweet words on thy toungue
Suffering
In silence…
Insomniac
“You will never be happy…”
Is that a curse too?
I remember it like a tape playing on & on
How I hate you
Those eyes lie
People fool you
They misguide you
How were the intentions true?
I blamed you
Yet I am at fault for my downfall
Niavete
Its one in the morning
This soul is restless
Who do you trust?
The world pretends to care
But they dont
Satan says this rings true
What do I miss the most?
My Sanity
They say
“Its ok to feel darkness…”
Mine is darker than pitch black
She said
“Black cats bring bad luck…”
Theyve crossed my path
In a dream
I saw her beaten
I saw her thrown to the wolves
I never saw her so weak
It broke my heart
How can she be so cold & warm at the same time?
But arent we all
I don’t know a single pure soul
I wonder what its like to be normal
I wonder what its like to have integrity
To live with honesty
To walk with God
Its like Ive been running away my whole life
You have forsaken me

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