I have to be strong for everyone
Who comforts me?
Who is strong for me?
If I let myself collapse
Who will pick me up?
I look around & listen
I hear them say
Im weak for showing emotion
But the pain is all too great
I may not show it in tears
Because Im not allowed to
Therefore my pain ripples
throughout the rivers of society
I may be silent
But the cries of the ones I hurt
They are loud
There is a wretched feeling in my heart
A feeling I will not give way to
I refuse to end up like them
I refuse to end up broken and alone
Or broken and being tied down in which I see no escape to
I refuse to indulge in these feelings of the heart
They are not rational
They don’t make any logical sense
So tell me why are you here?
You serve me no purpose than to cause me such anguish late at night
To keep me up
To keep my mind wandering around
When time could be used wisely
Instead of counting teardrops on this silk pillow of mine
Give me the strength to push through
Give me serenity
I will not let a fool come into my life and sweep me with sweet words
With empty promises and a future which truly bares to be just smoke and mirrors
Let me live
Let me live freely and by my own judgements
Let my heart be free
Come but do not stay
For if you stay
It shall make me sad
So leave darling
Leave…
-an old poem
When most people were escaping their pain through their work
When most people would pick up the bottle
When most people would do a line & a half
When most people would bury their pain in a womans body
I was stepping into the fire
I laid in my bed
For hours
For days
For weeks
But I too was numbing out…
I numbed myself out of joy
I numbed myself out of life
Joy did not come & go
Joy came & fled
And darkness slowly overtook
I hid
I tried to fit myself into places I didnt belong
I starved myself, cut myself, tried to refigure & rearrange myself
I hid from places where I wanted to be
I hid from people I wanted in my life
All because
There was a little part of me
That felt like I wasn’t good enough to be there
That everyone is better than me
That Ill be rejected
Like how the people who were supposed to love me the most
Rejected me
Oh how I wish you were real
The way you look at me
Sends shivers down my spine
Yet deep down I know
There is no depth to those seemingly loving eyes
You paint my dreams
As if you could read my mind
And oh how you paint them so vividly
As if I could almost taste them
As if I could almost hold them
Yet I know this is all part of your trickery
All these games you play to fill a void
Because nothing is ever enough
No love can make you feel complete
No love in this world could make you feel whole
Even If I loved you unconditionally which I try hard to do
At what point do I become this empty black hole like you?
At what point do I become the reflection of your void?
Empty and Hollow
Yet we all have our coping mechanisms don’t we?
For some it’s the bottles..
Other its the pills…
Yet for a few it’s lover after lover after lover
I remember when I chose to not be like you
I knew I should care because it was the right thing to do
As painful as it turned out to be
And I cry
For I who claim myself a healer…
Is lost in healing you…
You have lost the very beauty of being alive
For if you cut out all your pain and suffering
You will never experience the gift of happiness
I danced in the shower
candlelights on
i turned around to see my shadow
And there she was
Three times my size
Bigger
Taller
Wider
Her hips amplified
She frightened me
Yet I thought of Maya
I thought of illusion
How much brighter do we shine in the darkness
That glimmer of hope
Flickering like wild
Yet burning nonetheless
Burn baby Burn
Don’t let anyone put out your fire
I can see the sadness in your smile
He said
I can see it in your eyes
I knew from the first time I saw you again that something was missing
Something is Missing
Is it my love
Am I missing my love?
I bathe myself in sweet solitude
I prefer to be alone
Unbothered
Yet my heart yearns for more
More than just a connection
More than just another lover’s sweet lips
More than just another lustful encounter on a sweet summer night
The seasons are changing my dear
I’m waiting
To wake up in a different life
To wake up in a different person
To wake up in a different perspective
Shake me my dear
Shake me for I am sleeping in life
It’s all a dream
Bring me back to reality
For I have lost my sight
I have lost my vision for so much more
Yet You have so much more to go
He said
And she turned away
Let me dive into your world
Because I’d like to forget mine…
She looks in the mirror
Where is this sadness this man speaks of?
Darling….remember
This life is what you make of it
It is not what the world can give you
But what you can give to the world
The man go on holiday
I am home
He always comes back
But actually I am the holiday
I am no man’s home
And it shall remain that way
Where the fuck are you?
Where have you been?
Bitch I’m waiting for you
Stop playing these silly games
Just meet me where I am
Why couldn’t you be the one?
I seriously thought it was you
And then you went ahead and crumbled my love for you in your hands
How could you do that to me?
I have no idea how to erase you from my memories
I still dream about you
You were my first real love
What a terrible experience that was
I have yet to fall in love like that again
Have you?
Have you not found someone to put up with all your bullshit yet?
I doubt it
At least not like I did
Do you still dream about me?
I bet you curse my name every day
There’s a barrier between us
You put that there
It wasn’t me baby
What do you have left to say?
I wonder if I’ll ever happen to come across you
I wonder how you’d look at me
Would you have eyes of repentance?
Would you even look at me?
Would you say “I know I fucked up.”
I drowned all my dreams with those bottles
Laying in my bed
Looking at the ceiling
It could have been so perfect
Oh sweet baby
I’m sorry
I’m sorry for you
This bitch
Awakening of Ann 