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Awakening of Ann

Welcome to my soul & mind

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life

Monsters

They lie next to you
In Bed
They lie to you
They are the lie
Sometimes they snore
Sometimes they don’t
They sit next to you in church
They give to charities
Good deeds that never come from the heart
Master Manipulators
You would never know
They stand among us disguised as good samaratins
They leave hidden paths of destruction and chaos
They are to be understood
Not to be hated
For hate wears heavy on the heart
If anything there is pity
For they are prisoners of their own sickness
Broken mirrors they are
What you see is not an accurate reflection
They like to play
For what are games to them
Are nightmare for us
Beware
Of the monsters that live among us
True evil exists in this world

….
Please Read People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil by M Scott Peck

Her Smile

I can see the sadness in your smile
He said
I can see it in your eyes
I knew from the first time I saw you again that something was missing
Something is Missing
Is it my love
Am I missing my love?
I bathe myself in sweet solitude
I prefer to be alone
Unbothered
Yet my heart yearns for more
More than just a connection
More than just another lover’s sweet lips
More than just another lustful encounter on a sweet summer night
The seasons are changing my dear
I’m waiting
To wake up in a different life
To wake up in a different person
To wake up in a different perspective
Shake me my dear
Shake me for I am sleeping in life
It’s all a dream
Bring me back to reality
For I have lost my sight
I have lost my vision for so much more
Yet You have so much more to go
He said
And she turned away
Let me dive into your world
Because I’d like to forget mine…

She looks in the mirror
Where is this sadness this man speaks of?

Darling….remember
This life is what you make of it

It is not what the world can give you
But what you can give to the world

Bitch

Where the fuck are you?
Where have you been?
Bitch I’m waiting for you
Stop playing these silly games
Just meet me where I am
Why couldn’t you be the one?
I seriously thought it was you
And then you went ahead and crumbled my love for you in your hands
How could you do that to me?
I have no idea how to erase you from my memories
I still dream about you
You were my first real love
What a terrible experience that was
I have yet to fall in love like that again
Have you?
Have you not found someone to put up with all your bullshit yet?
I doubt it
At least not like I did
Do you still dream about me?
I bet you curse my name every day
There’s a barrier between us
You put that there
It wasn’t me baby
What do you have left to say?
I wonder if I’ll ever happen to come across you
I wonder how you’d look at me
Would you have eyes of repentance?
Would you even look at me?
Would you say “I know I fucked up.”
I drowned all my dreams with those bottles
Laying in my bed
Looking at the ceiling
It could have been so perfect
Oh sweet baby
I’m sorry
I’m sorry for you
This bitch

Restless Nights

How can I sleep?
When I know how much the world suffers
When I know that there are so many other broken souls who drown their voices & dreams with the rivers of their tears
How can I sleep?
When I sprawl my fingers out onto my bed beside me and I feel the emptiness
How can I sleep?
When I think about who you could be making love to now…
Who are you lying to now?
It’s as if I can feel the pain of the world along with it’s beauty
How can I sleep?
When I’ve gotten almost everything I ever wanted yet I am still unhappy
I still will never forget those tears & cries
I didn’t know where they were coming from at first
It just seemed like noise
Until I realized I was the one crying
That night it felt like my soul died

This Time

I no longer pray for myself
I pray for you
I pray that you learn to forgive one day
I pray one day you can let go of all that hatred in your heart
What a heavy thing to carry it must be
I pray that one day you will find happiness
I pray that you will find that from within yourself
I pray for you my dear
My old beloved

Curse

This world
People are cruel
People are mean
People are sick
They’re all sick in the head one way or another
Why would I ever want to bring children in this world?
Selfish people want families
They want what they want
Not knowing how much pain they’re causing…
Then they raise monsters…
That are just like them
Mirror Images
And as much as we try to stop it from happening…
The monster still lies in your reflection
You are them
You carry the sickness of humanity
Show me one good pure soul
And I’ll rest my case
Its not who you are when things are good
But who you are when things get bad

Hate

I felt this way once before

But never to this extent

The soul feels empty & hollow

The heart is full of rage & resentment

Hatred

How awful it is to carry this in one’s heart

It’s a deadly poison that has robbed me of life

I don’t even recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror

Stranger

I can’t imagine having lived with this all my life…

 

 

 

Forsaken

I pray for my sanity
I pray for my mind
I pray for my soul
All i wish for is
Freedom
Love
Sanity
within these 4 walls
my anxiety drowns me
my head spins with thoughts of suicide
my depression drags me across the floor
I fear myself
the decisions i make
the people i let walk into my life
Destruction
Chaos
Heartbreak
Torture
Greed
Curse the sweet words on thy toungue
Suffering
In silence…
Insomniac
“You will never be happy…”
Is that a curse too?
I remember it like a tape playing on & on
How I hate you
Those eyes lie
People fool you
They misguide you
How were the intentions true?
I blamed you
Yet I am at fault for my downfall
Niavete
Its one in the morning
This soul is restless
Who do you trust?
The world pretends to care
But they dont
Satan says this rings true
What do I miss the most?
My Sanity
They say
“Its ok to feel darkness…”
Mine is darker than pitch black
She said
“Black cats bring bad luck…”
Theyve crossed my path
In a dream
I saw her beaten
I saw her thrown to the wolves
I never saw her so weak
It broke my heart
How can she be so cold & warm at the same time?
But arent we all
I don’t know a single pure soul
I wonder what its like to be normal
I wonder what its like to have integrity
To live with honesty
To walk with God
Its like Ive been running away my whole life
You have forsaken me

Nightmares…

Not everything that glimmers & glistens is gold

We all fall for some sort of trap at some point in our lives

That girl lies through her teeth

Captivating her “prey” with those alluring mesmerizing green eyes

She bats away her fluffy long lashes

She twirls her long blacker than midnight hair with her finger

Her silhouette showing ever so perfectly as she gazes out into the sleepless night

She turns and her hips start swaying towards him

She bites her lip and looks as if she’s hungry for something

She grabs him from behind & kisses his neck…

Leaving red lipstick marks on the collar of his white shirt

With a soft pull at the silky lace her gown slides off her body

Her skin glows & glistens in the dark by candlelight

Her warm color of caramel seeps into the bed

As the pale color of white follows

The moans, howls, and yelps fill the empty air

Sooner rather than later

Gasps for air are heard

The bedroom door swings wide open

A man appears with tears streaming down his face

A rose in one hand & a gun pointing at her in the other

He looks towards the frail poor excuse of a man & shoots him

Eve screams as the killer comes towards her

She glances at the man who is no longer breathing or moving

Wishing she had been shot first

Eve finally recognizes the killer as one of the many men she had seen

Before she could speak the tape went over her mouth

He decided to hit her until she went unconscious

then sliced her open through her chest

The shattered pieces of her heart fell out to his surprise

He couldn’t even imagine that she had a heart to begin with

And he collapsed with the shattered pieces & the blood smeared all over

He weeped and moaned like a child

He had murdered a lost broken soul

A soul so hurt & broken & pushed to limits beyond her understanding

A soul that began destroying herself and everyone who walked into her life

She subconsciously sought revenge for every man who had harmed her

Yet she pushed away every good soul that came her way

In fear of losing them & the feeling that she wasn’t worthy

His weeping eventually came to an end and thought he heard something in the closet

I don’t know how I had stayed so quiet this entire time until now

I had watched all this through a crack in the door

He slid the door open & saw me cornered up in a ball

The man took his bloody finger & touched my lips

Signaling to stay silent & then walked away dropping the gun

That night left me confused for the rest of my life

How can we be so cruel & cold

How is it that some of us die before we are dead

Why is that some of us have to suffer so much

Why is that some of us who are given everything end up with nothing

Yet those who are given nothing end up with everything

Eventually after much therapy I moved on with my life

Years later my husband came home with a lipstick stain on his shirt late one evening

I looked the other way & pretended I didn’t notice as he quickly tried to hide it

I sat on our living room couch and I went completely numb

I gave this man my heart, my body, my soul, my everything

I lived my life for the home we built & the family we created

I tried examining our marriage and tried to pinpoint what I had done wrong

When I knew I was the best wife, friend, and mother I could have been

I remembered the beautiful woman who was murdered in front me during my childhood

I wondered if he was with a similar type of woman

I knew I would never grow up to be as captivating as she was

So I consciously tried to make it up in as many other ways as I possibly could

I must have failed

I failed

Again I thought … How are we so cruel

The only reason I kept living was to experience real love & to be loved

I had played a different role in the same story

And that was the night I died before I died

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