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Awakening of Ann

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Monsters

They lie next to you
In Bed
They lie to you
They are the lie
Sometimes they snore
Sometimes they don’t
They sit next to you in church
They give to charities
Good deeds that never come from the heart
Master Manipulators
You would never know
They stand among us disguised as good samaratins
They leave hidden paths of destruction and chaos
They are to be understood
Not to be hated
For hate wears heavy on the heart
If anything there is pity
For they are prisoners of their own sickness
Broken mirrors they are
What you see is not an accurate reflection
They like to play
For what are games to them
Are nightmare for us
Beware
Of the monsters that live among us
True evil exists in this world

….
Please Read People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil by M Scott Peck

Her Smile

I can see the sadness in your smile
He said
I can see it in your eyes
I knew from the first time I saw you again that something was missing
Something is Missing
Is it my love
Am I missing my love?
I bathe myself in sweet solitude
I prefer to be alone
Unbothered
Yet my heart yearns for more
More than just a connection
More than just another lover’s sweet lips
More than just another lustful encounter on a sweet summer night
The seasons are changing my dear
I’m waiting
To wake up in a different life
To wake up in a different person
To wake up in a different perspective
Shake me my dear
Shake me for I am sleeping in life
It’s all a dream
Bring me back to reality
For I have lost my sight
I have lost my vision for so much more
Yet You have so much more to go
He said
And she turned away
Let me dive into your world
Because I’d like to forget mine…

She looks in the mirror
Where is this sadness this man speaks of?

Darling….remember
This life is what you make of it

It is not what the world can give you
But what you can give to the world

Black Caramel

I want to lose sight of my fingers as I comb through your hair
Lose all sense of time when I look into your eyes
To lose my ego as Im baptized in your gracious love
Oh Dear..My Sweet Dark Caramel
Bathe me in your honey over and over again
Mesmerized by your skin glistening under moonlight
Let us vanish in the depths of the woods
Howl like we own the night
You are the caramel to my macchiato
I have relinquished all my power
Just to love you

Woman

I’m not your slave…
Yet there are moments when I want to be
I’m not your whore…
Yet there are moments when I want you to treat me as such
I’m not your sanctuary
Though I wish all I could offer you is peace
She struggles with her identity as a woman
I hate that I want you…
And now my dear…
I need you for reasons people can’t quite grasp
I write
When the hearts cries & when it sings in joy
Baby you got the world…
But at what price?
I want to get down on my knees
I want to serve you
How could I betray myself like that?
To let a man conquer me
To love you so much
I blessed you with my darkest abyss
I let you plant seeds
For I am mother…
One with the earth
We reap what we sow

Curse

This world
People are cruel
People are mean
People are sick
They’re all sick in the head one way or another
Why would I ever want to bring children in this world?
Selfish people want families
They want what they want
Not knowing how much pain they’re causing…
Then they raise monsters…
That are just like them
Mirror Images
And as much as we try to stop it from happening…
The monster still lies in your reflection
You are them
You carry the sickness of humanity
Show me one good pure soul
And I’ll rest my case
Its not who you are when things are good
But who you are when things get bad

Knowing…

What is it that you would like to know?
My life…
Who I am?
Because you know so little of me
You want to know more than just my name
But do you really?
You ask me what people have done to me
And you insist…
Do we really have to have this conversation now?
I’ve been used against my will
He had a thrust inside me without my permission
Is that what you want to hear?
That I’ve been beaten down to the floor
Humiliated to the point where you feel that you feel lower than dirt
Manipulated into doing very bad things…
This is my life
But I don’t talk about it
I don’t cry for me…I cry for her…the soul of that young girl who died
I don’t want it to seem like I’m complaining
Because Id rather have this misfortune than the ones others have
My childhood you say…
Imagine a bird in a cage…
You tricked me
You didn’t want to know all that did you?
Well now you do
And now you wish that you never asked.

Suicide

Numb

Still can’t believe it

The man I thought I loved

The man I used to adore

The man I used to look up to

The man I used to respect

Pleaded for my death

The very man I let inside me

The man I worshipped

The man I cared for

So I pulled out the knife from the kitchen drawer

Proceeded to cut myself but I was hesitant

Then I slowly slid it across my wrist

I felt adrenaline at first

Then I felt the pain

Then I thought of my family

i immediately put the knife down

I didn’t bleed at first so i payed no attention

I happened to look down at my wrist later & I was in shock

Im thinking I certainly must wear long sleeves to the family dinner

I can’t let them see what I did to myself over a man

How can you say that to someone you claim you love

The minute i heard those words

It was over for me

Within a few hours I was already in the arms of another man

He’s called over a hundred times since

I understand people say things when they are angry

But that of all things?

i understand I made a silly mistake

My heart is so numb

I can’t even take anymore

Defeat…

It’s one of those days…

My illness has taken over me

I didn’t feel this way this morning

The sunrise was full of optimism, hope, and life

Tonight I am a corpse

I feel like I am swimming against the current

I’m so tired of this everyday struggle

I wear a smile the minute I leave my house

I am so used to pretending

Pretending like everything is fine

When in reality there is a war inside my mind

When am I ever going to win?

I find sanctuary nowhere

Not even in my home

Not even in the arms of loved ones

So numb…

So cold…

Why so dark?

 

Forsaken

I pray for my sanity
I pray for my mind
I pray for my soul
All i wish for is
Freedom
Love
Sanity
within these 4 walls
my anxiety drowns me
my head spins with thoughts of suicide
my depression drags me across the floor
I fear myself
the decisions i make
the people i let walk into my life
Destruction
Chaos
Heartbreak
Torture
Greed
Curse the sweet words on thy toungue
Suffering
In silence…
Insomniac
“You will never be happy…”
Is that a curse too?
I remember it like a tape playing on & on
How I hate you
Those eyes lie
People fool you
They misguide you
How were the intentions true?
I blamed you
Yet I am at fault for my downfall
Niavete
Its one in the morning
This soul is restless
Who do you trust?
The world pretends to care
But they dont
Satan says this rings true
What do I miss the most?
My Sanity
They say
“Its ok to feel darkness…”
Mine is darker than pitch black
She said
“Black cats bring bad luck…”
Theyve crossed my path
In a dream
I saw her beaten
I saw her thrown to the wolves
I never saw her so weak
It broke my heart
How can she be so cold & warm at the same time?
But arent we all
I don’t know a single pure soul
I wonder what its like to be normal
I wonder what its like to have integrity
To live with honesty
To walk with God
Its like Ive been running away my whole life
You have forsaken me

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