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Awakening of Ann

Welcome to my soul & mind

Author

awakeningofann

Living the Soft Life

I feel like some of us are going back to a place we once longed to escape

Once upon a time we were little slaves of the home & our husbands

Handcuffed to their needs & of our children without any sense of identity outside of that

Now that we have the opportunity to pursue our passions, build a career for ourselves…

It seems like so many women do not want to work & would rather find a wealthy man to come rescue them

I am alarmed at how many of us are cornering ourselves into very vulnerable situations

I myself have once had all my bills paid, trips paid, school paid for, shopping sprees, a luxury apartment, the shoes & the purses

But once that man felt like he had my heart

He turned into the most abusive monster

I learned to never depend on a man like that ever again

And all the luxuries in the world are not enough to fulfill or mend your soul

Listen to all the stories of older women who simply committed themselves to their husband and children, forfeiting their career and/or passion

And being left for someone else & having to start their lives all over again with no work experience for the last decade

No one is coming to save you, only you can save yourself

Man

I have to be strong for everyone

Who comforts me?

Who is strong for me?

If I let myself collapse

Who will pick me up?

I look around & listen

I hear them say

Im weak for showing emotion

But the pain is all too great

I may not show it in tears

Because Im not allowed to

Therefore my pain ripples

throughout the rivers of society

I may be silent

But the cries of the ones I hurt

They are loud

Its A Blur…

I can smell it in the air

I can feel that soft chill whispering in my ear

It all feels like it keeps going way too fast

The seasons keep changing

I keep changing

People keep changing

I feel like someone pressed fastforward

When all I want to do is rewind

I keep dreaming about you

Did you really want the best for me?

I wish I knew your intentions

But everything just happened

….”and it kept happening”

Felt like a tornado just swept me up & spit me out

I can’t even remember everything that happened

Leave

There is a wretched feeling in my heart
A feeling I will not give way to
I refuse to end up like them
I refuse to end up broken and alone
Or broken and being tied down in which I see no escape to
I refuse to indulge in these feelings of the heart
They are not rational
They don’t make any logical sense
So tell me why are you here?
You serve me no purpose than to cause me such anguish late at night
To keep me up
To keep my mind wandering around
When time could be used wisely
Instead of counting teardrops on this silk pillow of mine
Give me the strength to push through
Give me serenity
I will not let a fool come into my life and sweep me with sweet words
With empty promises and a future which truly bares to be just smoke and mirrors
Let me live
Let me live freely and by my own judgements
Let my heart be free
Come but do not stay
For if you stay
It shall make me sad
So leave darling
Leave…

-an old poem

It kills me to know

It kills me to know

To know that you’re with her

To know that she has you

That you put a ring on her finger

And not mine

To know that you two share a bed

That you two share a home

That she wakes up to you every morning

And gets to look at your handsome face

And feel your love

Your warm embrace

Yet your love always flickers

She’s the one that shares a life with you

A life that I’ll never have with you

Because you’ll never leave…

Because shes just that easy

And shell stay no matter what

And here I am in my own bed

Alone

Left with the memories of you here

Of the love we shared

Of the lies you told me

And yet I can’t stop thinking of you

And I hate myself

For missing you so

Im yearning for you

And I fight myself everyday

To not reach out to you

Because theres a part of me that wants to hold on

Hold on dearly

Hold on tightly

To the love I thought you had for me

To the man I thought you were

The grand man you painted yourself to be

You’ve shattered my illusions

You’ve shattered my dreams

The one I had with you

I saw my whole life in your eyes

And it hurts

To know that I was never safe with you

Even though I thought I was

That you set your eyes on me

To break my heart

To feed your ego

To play with my mind

To open up old wounds

The ones I thought I healed

So here…

Lets raise a glass to my solitude

To finding love within myself

To finding safety in myself

To finding peace on my own

To move on in life without you

Escape

When most people were escaping their pain through their work

When most people would pick up the bottle

When most people would do a line & a half

When most people would bury their pain in a womans body 

I was stepping into the fire 

I laid in my bed 

For hours

For days

For weeks 

But I too was numbing out… 

I numbed myself out of joy 

I numbed myself out of life

Joy did not come & go 

Joy came & fled 

And darkness slowly overtook 

I Hid

I hid

I tried to fit myself into places I didnt belong

I starved myself, cut myself, tried to refigure & rearrange myself 

I hid from places where I wanted to be

I hid from people I wanted in my life 

All because

There was a little part of me

That felt like I wasn’t good enough to be there

That everyone is better than me 

That Ill be rejected

Like how the people who were supposed to love me the most

Rejected me

The Devil

I fell in love

With the devil himself

Disguised as an Angel

Everything you desire

Is what he will give you

He’ll make your dreams come true

He tells you

I love you

And as soon as you’ve truly fallen

And you’ve been tricked by the facade

He takes it all away from you

With a smirk on his face

The love you thought you had

Was never real

As if he took all your dreams

And burned them to ashes

In front of your very eyes

No one else will know

Because the whole world is tricked by the facade

And when he leaves

Your soul will be left in ashes too

For the world will think you’re crazy

But its because you know the Truth

Naked

There I lay uncovered for all to see

Baring my soul

Baring my body

As all the eyes peered down from above

With love

Without judgement

In this beautiful sacred space

Something I felt like was surgery of some spiritual nature

My eyes fluttered as fast as my heart was beating

As a knot grew in my throat

And even then I still blossomed

With my sweet nectar

I’ll never forget how we recognized the Divine

Gazing into the depths of eachother’s souls

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